blog

kinds of love

2 bad bitches lining up to book a set
buuuuuuuuuuut
i'd rather have em over keep the focus on the flesh

school looms and something will absolutely have to give for i am far too disabled to be this busy already
good problems to have tho! lotta wonderful people to get to know, art to make, songs to sing, poems to write

actually pretty bonkers that I now have an EDS diagnosis and like, trauma stuff makes my body super weird and painful all the time but i'm also maybe approaching the most physically strong i've ever been because of my pole hyperfixation

really leaning into my maximalism lately, actually had no comprehension of how oppressed i felt the last couple years. really really really freeing getting to have colors and shapes and joy, toys, games, artttttttttt

big whimz basically

pretty astounding how i am _still_ realizing new and fun ways my body and spirit were broken + may never recover in some ways (did u know frequent UTIs can fuck your kidneys permanently?)


but like, i'm still shining (thank you jacob..) they can hurt me all they want and i'll still love. i love more carefully now. slowly. with lots of time and love for myself also.
i'm trying really hard to not traumadump as much on people i don't know as well, and write about a variety of things. i'm trying to meditate more constructively instead of perpetually "processing" (ie: retraumatizing myself by thinking about horrific incidents on loop).

i wrote a poem the other day that mentions how i'm trying not to conceptualize being on or off a wagon, it's demoralizing. i can slip, but be ok at next opportunity. i can grow slowly. i'm allowed to grow backwards sometimes

another good problem to have: too busy with project i _love_ that appears to be having a lot of momentum due to the popularity and drive of my creative partner, and therefore lack time to do random other projects. i still want to write a zine about the cool free shit i found around town this summer. there's a little time left....

i'm learning a lot about different kinds of love and how long it takes to determine if someone is worthy or safe to commit to. i actually feel fulfilled in a way i haven't ever before because i am being granted so much patience and grace right now.